Almost a year has passed since I wrote a piece on my experiences of the imposter syndrome. In light of the recent media attention on the poor mental health, well-being and over-work of higher education staff and students, it feels like an appropriate time to touch base.

A quick recap: imposter syndrome is a phenomenon whereby people feel undeserving of their successes and fraudulent in their achievements. It goes hand-in-hand with feelings of low self-esteem and low self-efficacy at work. A key point in my blog was that imposter feelings are particularly intense at the start of a job or role, but abate as you acclimatise to your new surroundings. I’m about halfway through my PhD and I can attest to this trajectory. I’m giving myself less of a hard time, I have more faith in my judgement and as a result find it easier to have and voice an opinion, and I’m more willing to take risks and be wrong about things. I’m beginning to understand and embrace the fact that mistakes are part of the PhD process, and that I’m not expected to be ‘Excellent’ all of the time. These changes have occurred slowly but steadily. While this may not be everyone’s experience, it is hopefully a reassuring sign that imposter syndrome ebbs and flows and can become less burdensome.

Don’t get me wrong – I have some way to go still. Recently, I couldn’t bring myself to view my newly published paper for three days after its release because there it was in black and white: evidence that the work I produce is subpar. I also feel imposterish writing this piece – who am I to write about this topic not just once, but twice? Make sure you write something useful and reassuring, validate the feelings of those in a similar boat to you, but be careful not to preach too much because ultimately you don’t know what you’re talking about. An imposter of the imposter syndrome.

Looking back over my previous piece, some advice I relayed from Hugh Kearns’ talk on this topic was ‘to set objective and realistic targets and not to move the goalposts after the event’. I still agree with this in principle, but this time I want to acknowledge how difficult this can be in practice. In academia, there is a culture of ‘you could always be doing a bit more’ – whether that’s research, publications, bringing in more grant money, teaching, presenting, mentoring, outreach, public engagement, volunteering for professional bodies, conference organising, peer reviewing, or blog writing. The list is seemingly endless. It is hard to know what makes a realistic target in an environment that always wants a little bit more from you. In this scenario, conversations with your supervisors, academic advisor or trusted others may be helpful. Ask them what their expectations of you are, or how they prioritise tasks and make decisions about where to put their time.

Being more open and vocal about my imposter feelings over the past year has been beneficial for me. In said recent publication, I acknowledged my PhD funders incorrectly despite having been told the correct wording and the importance of getting it right by no less than four people on at least ten separate occasions. My body turned in on itself, I was so embarrassed. I mentioned it to a friend, who then shared their own story of noticing errors in publications and before I knew it my mistake had become an amusing anecdote. Talk about and challenge your imposter feelings with others. Laugh at them like they’re the boggart in Harry Potter (sorry not sorry).

Through the NIHR Manchester Biomedical Research Centre, I was given a place on the ‘Adapt to Grow’ resilience-building scheme for PhD students and early career researchers. This provided me with the time and space to formulate and air my insecurities to a professional mentor. Voicing, unpacking and debunking these thoughts has helped. Old, ingrained thoughts have to be uprooted and new ones embedded in their place. I’m finding that this takes time, as the process needs to be repeated and ideas tested out for size, but don’t underestimate the value of seeking support to speed this along.

Vocalising the pressures of work can be really tough and I appreciate that doing so isn’t as straightforward as it sounds. Plus, it is often easier to minimise your feelings than it is to know how to resolve them – ‘I have no right to complain, everyone is busy and many are busier than me’. There is also the fear that admitting any struggle will make you look less competent, less resilient, and less employable. However, I promise you that someone else will have had, or will be having, a very similar experience to you, and you’ll quickly realise that you’re on the same page as your peers.

All of these things involve you taking back a bit of control over your imposter feelings. It is a beast that takes time to tame, but tamed it can be.

By Hannah Long

@hannahlong_hl