“What is your biggest flaw?” .. “Oh, well I am just SUCH a perfectionist!”

Undeniably one of the most cliché and eye-roll inducing answers to this classic interview question, declaring yourself a perfectionist is often viewed as a humble brag. Most people think perfectionism is just admitting everything you do has to be just right, meaning you get hung up on details and work often takes that little bit longer… but it’s worth it right?

It may surprise you that the Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI) has an entire module dedicated to perfectionism. It describes perfectionism as “the relentless striving for extremely high standards” and “judging your self-worth based largely on your ability to strive for and achieve such unrelenting standards”.

But surely aiming high can’t be a bad thing…?

Dr Andrew Hill, a sport science researcher at York St. John University, has carried out over 60 studies into perfectionism that suggest that being diligent, conscientious and committed (all desirable traits) are actually symptoms of perfectionism. Perfectionism is not just setting goals, it is placing unrealistic standards on yourself, and subsequently feeling guilt and shame when you inevitably fail to meet these standards.

Perfectionists tend to give up more easily, avoiding tasks or situations where they sense they won’t be perfect. Making mistakes is an essential part of learning and growing as a person but as a perfectionist, any mistakes are horrifying and unforgiveable. Ironically, opportunities for self-improvement are often missed for the crippling fear of failure. Oh, the paradox of perfectionism.

“Perfectionism isn’t a behaviour. It’s a way of thinking about yourself.” -Andrew Hill

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist because I felt I wasn’t good enough to be a perfectionist. However, I have come to realise that many of my most problematic thoughts are borne from my perfectionism. In fact, after attending a workshop on the subject run by the University of Manchester counselling service, I came away with the uncomfortable feeling that I was a perfectionist about being a perfectionist…

For me and many others, perfectionism can be an unrelenting beast that slowly claws at your confidence, eroding your self esteem and draining your energy. A rise in perfectionism in young people has been cited as a major contributor to the poor mental health status amongst students. It cuts across the spectrum of mental health disorders like no other psychological trait.

Because it is often perceived, wrongly, as a good thing, many of us don’t recognise when our perfectionist tendencies are harming our mental health. I decided to share my own experience because I want to increase awareness so that people know they can seek help, and so that being a “perfectionist” is no longer placed on a pedestal.

The most surprising thing for me was realising that perfectionism infiltrates every aspect of my life. If I place value on a trait or behaviour I must fulfil it 100%, no room for slip-ups. This becomes problematic when two ideals contradict each other; my brain became a battleground for different perfectionist armies fighting it out to achieve their goals at the expense of my sanity:

“I must have a perfectly balanced diet to help me feel my best.”

*Learns about the damaging effect of dairy farming on the environment*

“Well now I know about this, I shouldn’t really be eating dairy… should I?”

*starts drinking oat milk*

“HANG ON. Without dairy I will become deficient in iodine…”

*has casual conversation about dairy farming with colleagues*

“Am I being preachy?”…“I think I am being annoying..”…

“What if I really want halloumi, people will judge me as a hypocrite!”

“I need to be a nice and compassionate person, but now I am annoying people about dairy.”

Disclaimer: Yes, I did have an internal crisis about whether I could eat cheese with a clear conscience.

It is exhausting and can become dangerous.

I have had perfectionist tendencies all my life, but I was able to satisfy it in some ways through high academic achievement at school and university. However, as we all know, your performance isn’t tracked and graded the same way during a PhD. Without the validation of high exam marks, I started down the slippery slope of comparison, berating myself for not working hard enough and judging myself harshly in how well I was able to contribute to scientific discussion.

Inevitably I felt like I was failing. The uncertainty and doubt penetrated other areas and I spiralled into a self-critical hole. I no longer appreciated my worth. Without constant reassurance that I was doing well, I felt like I had lost my identity. Without being “top of the class”, who was I?

The concurrent rise in perfectionism and mental health problems in young people is likely not a coincidence: perfectionist tendencies are known to predict  depression and anxiety, and one of the most robust protective traits against these issues is self-compassion – the very thing perfectionism does not allow for. Self-criticism on the other hand, is a powerful predictor of depression.

Coming to terms with my perfectionism and how it has impacted my mental health has helped me in my attempt to break out of the negative self-talk cycle. We need to celebrate imperfection and our mistakes, because without these things, we can’t grow and experience all that life has to offer. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved, to be happy, or to be successful.

If you feel like you might have perfectionist tendencies, or know someone that might be suffering, I would highly recommend the CCI workbook and reaching out for help if you need it.

By Jo Sharpe @comeflywithJo

Photo by Ksenia Makagonova on Unsplash