By Olivia Wong

“Why do I feel so tired and anxious?” I often ask myself. I’ve not been working 12-hour shifts, risking my life on a coronavirus ward. I’ve not had to contend with abusive passengers or customers refusing to wear masks. Nor have I had to deal with the stress of redundancy or of balancing a job with homeschooling increasingly restless children……as if these were the only valid qualifying criteria for feeling this way. 

The other question my brain likes to default to is: “Why do I never feel like doing any work?” I’d like to refer my brain to the first question. Anxiety and exhaustion are not exactly conducive to motivation but that’s beside the point. It’s not as if a global pandemic provides the ideal conditions for optimum productivity! The whole world is suffering from unprecedented disruption, so why do I expect myself to function as normal as if nothing has happened and everything was hunky-dory? What does it matter that I’m in the privileged position of doing a funded PhD? It’s a blessing but it doesn’t make me any less immune to the general chaos going on outside. 

We’re all having to use extra energy just to keep ourselves safe and alive, be it by sanitising our food shopping every time or remembering to take our masks with us whenever we head to the shops. Our energy is a futile resource and not one that can be expanded indefinitely without replenishment. So of course it makes sense that there is less left in the tank to concentrate on things that may be important to us but are nevertheless not immediately relevant to our survival (like a PhD). My friend joked that her only New Year’s resolution was to stay alive, a seemingly simple act on the surface, but one which has never encompassed so much. The very nature of the pandemic has been exhausting: the yo-yoing between tiers and lockdowns, the constant U-turns and rule changes. 

On the flip side, the pandemic has perhaps legitimised my lack of productivity. Even before the world was plunged into the plot of a sci-fi scenario, my output was slow and the only excuse I had for it was the diffuse aimlessness of a long PhD project with little sense of immediate achievement. Now at least I can blame it on a raging virus that has shut down life as we know it. 

It’s easy to feel guilty about any relative luck we may feel about our situations but comparison only serves us in so far as it helps us to keep things in perspective. Since when did life become an index of misery anyway? The energy of the world in its current state is heavy enough without us throwing comparison into the mix. Oftentimes we can be so critical of ourselves. Perhaps we feel that’s how we ended up where we are, pursuing a PhD at The University of Manchester, by constantly pushing ourselves and demanding more. But what the whole planet is going through is not exactly normal to say the least (possibly the understatement of the year!). So let’s not berate ourselves for any perceived lack of success or see any lack of productivity as a personal failing. We’re all doing our best and that’s all we can do. Trust that the journey of life will bring us what we need all in good time, in the moments when we need it, whatever ‘it’ is.

Whatever you’re feeling, it’s ok to feel that way. It’s ok to feel so restless you can barely sit still and feel like you’re bouncing off the walls. It’s ok to meander from day to day in some sort of lethargy. It’s ok to feel unmotivated and down. You don’t have to earn the right to feel this way and you certainly aren’t any less deserving of feeling this way even if you feel life has dealt you a lucky hand. There is no ‘right’ way to live through a pandemic nor to do a PhD. We may all be weathering the same storm but we’re all in different boats. Some of us may have lost someone we loved and are grieving right now, or know someone suffering from coronavirus. Some of us may have caring responsibilities. Some of us may generally be more easily weighed down by what life throws at us, whether through genetics or disposition – and that’s ok. There is no shame in finding it more difficult to deal with challenging situations. On the contrary, though it may not be the most apparent, those difficulties you experience are the bedrock of your strengths: your compassion and intuitive awareness of the feelings of others. Whatever each of us may be going through, we can get through it because what unites us and our individual battles is this collective challenge that we’re all passing through. However, we need to let go of our need for things to be a certain way and surrender to the ebb and flow of life because unpredictability has its own beauty. 

The ‘be kind’ mantra gets bandied around a lot and it’s true that we should always think before we open our mouths because we never know what someone may be going through. But do we stop to think how kind we are to ourselves? We know exactly what we’re going through yet we don’t always give ourselves the leeway or the space that we may so readily give to others around us. So in this month of Valentine’s, let’s also focus on self-love and remember that we’re never alone in how we feel. The longest relationship we will ever have is with ourselves and there is no better time to give ourselves the love we all need when Covid has physically isolated us from the world. So indulge! Have a nap. Call a friend. Treat yourself to your favourite film, a delicious meal or a brisk walk in the February breeze. Sit with your beating heart and listen to what it really needs. It all starts with us.