By Nathan Jariwala

February is LGBT+ History Month, and as anyone within the community will tell you: life as a queer person is rough.

I grew up avoiding all forms of romantic entanglement. I first realised I was Definitely Not Straight when I was a young man, walking through the underwear section of a men’s department store, attempting to both not look, and to see everything all at once. And yet, I knew that I wasn’t just attracted to men. I was not prepared to mention any of these feelings to my Indian family, so for many years, throughout high school and college, I repressed those feelings. Finally, I came to the University of Manchester, where I met some amazing friends who helped me to express myself and become the out and proud bisexual man writing this article.

As those who are part of the LGBTQ+ community know, coming out is not just one event. I, like most, first came out to my closest friends. The next step was to tell my family. Now, something that you should know about me is that I do not have any of my immediate or extended family on my social media accounts, largely because I wanted to be able to live my life free of familial judgement. And for this reason, I felt free enough to have my Instagram bio as “a bi biochemist just trying my best”. Unfortunately for me, my younger cousin decided to look me up one day. This cousin then asked my sister about my bio, who proceeded to tell my mother. “How did I find out about this series of events?” you ask.

For my 22^nd, my mother, father and sister joined me for a celebratory birthday meal. When my father went to visit the little man’s room, my sister casually asked me “so when were you going to tell us you were bi?” 

PANIC

Long story short, we had a very brief, hushed conversation and I cried on the bus on the way home. For a few days my sister wouldn’t tell me how she found out, but when I finally got it out of her, I messaged my cousin, and told him exactly how I was feeling. This, for some reason, angered my sister and I was immediately overwhelmed by an onslaught of rather upsetting messages*. To this day, my sister refuses to admit she outed me because “[I] put it on social media, so if [I] want to blame anyone, [I] should blame myself”. During, and perhaps adding to the ferocity of these messages, I came out to some of my extended family via a WhatsApp group, lest that be taken away from me too. As one might imagine (or, sadly, might have experienced themselves), this was a very difficult time for me. Thankfully, I had some fantastic friends to help me through the tears.

So, what was the moral of this story?

Being part of the LGBTQ+ community is scary. It’s a struggle to grow up with such a big secret. Even now, being gay is criminalised in 72 countries across the world. But for many of us, that thought might not be the first to cross our minds. For me, the idea of coming out to my family was dreadful. I didn’t know how they would react, or whether I would still have a place to call home if I came out. The sad truth is that many parents don’t handle this situation very well.

On one hand, the fact that I didn’t have to come out to my immediate family was beneficial in many ways. For one, it gave them time to process the new way they saw me before they had the chance to say anything potentially (more) hurtful. However, I should have had the choice to come out to them in my own time, and in my own way. Talking to people who have experienced a similar situation can be extremely helpful, and thankfully for me, I knew a few. Even if I hadn’t, I’m glad I lived in Manchester at the time.

 Manchester is the home of the LGBT Foundation, and The Proud Trust, which have some fantastic resources for queer and questioning people (both websites contain a quick exit button for your comfort and safety). Additionally, if you are a student at UoM, I would definitely recommend joining the LGBTQ+ Society, who will hopefully be planning some nights out to Canal Street when it’s finally safe again!

So, for those of you in a similar situation to my  cousin and my sister, take it from me, don’t say anything. Keep it to yourself. Let that person fully figure themselves out, and if they want to tell you, they will. Remember, this isn’t about you. If and when they do come out to you, match their energy: if they are really excited and happy, show how happy you are for them. Equally, if they seem scared and tentative, show them that this hasn’t changed the way you feel about them, and if they’re a hugger, give them the biggest hug you can muster.

For those of you still discovering the wonderful world of your own sexuality and/or gender, I wish you the best of luck, and the utmost happiness! Coming out is a difficult journey, and it is a journey that never really ends because we are constantly coming out to the new people in our lives (e.g. your barber). Saying it out loud to another person for the first time is incredibly liberating, but it should ideally only be done when you are ready and feel comfortable enough to do so. Coming out is stressful, but the end result (even if it sometimes takes a little while) is being able to live your happiest life as your true self!

One final thought: things do get better.

*The actions of my sister and cousin during this time have since been forgiven, though not quite forgotten.